I am dysfunctional, I always have been, I grew up in a dysfunctional family and a dysfunctional society...so why is there a compulsion within me at times to prove to others that I'm functional? It seems we all, at times, delight in being able to skite about a so called 'functional' situation or a choice that we made; eg; 'I exercise at least five times a week' 'My child was top of the class, again' or something like 'My partner is so amazing' Even those of us who think we are enlightened at times succumb to the need for approval from society at large. This form of communication is a breeding ground for us to focus on lack in our lives through comparison.
Recently, I found myself having pangs of envy and resentment. Part of me was on the outside looking in and I saw it, clear as day and it made me laugh. OMG Liz, you are definitely feeling envy...my curious mind wanted to analyze this. I was resentful of the successful author who seemed so supported after I have spent a small fortune self publishing with so far, little return. I was resentful of the parents who have seemingly perfect children while my kids eat Pizza staring at a computer screen. I was resentful of the couple who had payed off their mortgage by the time they were 30 where as my husband and I will be 70 something by the time we pay ours off......STOP....I said to myself...what is going on here, what is it that your soul is trying to tell you?
I meditated and slowly the answers came...I began to untangle the emotions and feelings behind the reaction to each situation.
I have felt largely unsupported being a self published, first time author, yet I have the power to choose to shift that attitude....my new affirmation is; 'I am constantly supported in my work as a writer.' I need to believe that in a deep way rather than play the victim because resentment and envy has 'victim' written all over it.
My kids are who they are ... they aren't perfect human beings and neither am I...I don't need to measure their success by comparing them to other children or societies standards. The 'perfect' children have their stuff too, I am sure.
I am lucky to have a mortgage! You can not take a house with you when you die whether you own it or not
I felt grateful I was able to recognize my resentment as it was a pointer to where I needed to shift some attitudes. Owning our more difficult emotions can be huge hint to where we need to shift and realign so that we can more fully enjoy our lives.
Where or when do you feel resentment or envy and what story can it tell you that will help you to live with more love and light in your life? After all, love is all that matters in the end and 'it's not fair' attitudes will rob us of time that is never repeated. So today I remind myself to live my life outside the cage by using the power of choice.
